A new beginning and a turning point

Even though I still stayed involved in ministry, I foolishly decided to quit my job and stay home. Man do I look back now and think about all the money we could have saved. Instead of me sitting at home baking and gaining happy bride fat! In February of '99 we had D-Man. I was the poster woman for being pregnant. My poor husband says I was a lot more fun to be around when I was prego. For me, all the hormones were lined up just right!

I wanted to be a mom. I loved being a mom. But somehow a door was opened when I became a mom, that has since taken me down a path filled with horrible moments and great victories! Ministry was the least on my mind back then. I was focused on being a mom and was a terrible one at that. I know without a doubt I had post-partum depression. Being a new mom also stirred up feelings about my own mother. And they were not very good feelings. *I will note right here that I have come to grips with a lot of my relationship with her. Sometimes I still get mad at her even if she's not here and I know she didn't mean to do the things she did. Forgiveness is one of the hardest, yet MOST important steps in getting on in this life! Even forgiving ourselves! I wouldn't doubt my own children will have issues about their mother someday and I only hope they will be gracious on me! The Lord has taught me so much about His forgiveness thru all this. It still amazes me that He longs for us and chooses us and forgives us*


This is the part I have struggled with all week about sharing. I had such anger and anguish back then that I came to a point that my feelings made me fear I would lose control. It wasn't just affecting me and my husband, but now I had a small child that was part of my picture. After battling thoughts to end all my "misery"...(I was pretty daggone selfish then), I admitted my need to see a counselor. The man I saw was also a close family friend, so my family history was already known. I do think the whole post-partum thing was not detected, so even though I worked thru a lot, I really missed out on being correctly diagnosed.

So there I was in "therapy". Boy did I feel screwed up! I was a Pastor's Wife by golly. If people only knew! Realistically I totally get it that we are just as imperfect as the rest, but at that time in my life...feeling like a horrible mom....I truly wanted to hide this other imperfection for my sake and my husband's! This was the beginning of my understanding of transparency. Especially in ministry. So the move to Oklahoma that came next was no doubt timing from my gracious God. It was the best move in the world for our sweet family. I had worked thru many things in my personal life. I had a 2 month old and a 19 month old when I boarded the plane to fly out to Oklahoma for our new "life". It was like someone had handed us a free pass to freedom and starting over! It was a gift that I will always be grateful to the Lord for. He blessed us beyond measure in this new ministry. And in our marriage.

We moved into a tidy apartment and spent almost 2 "LOVELY" years there while waiting for our home back west to sell. There I sat w/ 2 small boys, diapers up to my nose and I was a recluse! A bad one at that. The Lord brought 2 sweet friends into my life, Nikki & Kristi, who took my hand and showed me how to be a girl. How to love putting on make-up, fixing my bushy eyebrows, style my hair cute from the horrifying butch cut I had for years and truly enjoy womanhood. I am so grateful the Lord brought these sweet friends into my life. It was metamorphosis at every sense of the word.

We loved our ministry at Eagle Heights Church. Having 2 small kiddos, I was not able to be as involved then with my hubster. But I don't regret it or feel bad about it at all. I had gone thru so much in understanding my own self, understanding God's grace and love for me, and a new journey in loving myself as well. Staying home, loving on my children and making a sweet place for my hubster to "fall" was such a blessing for me. Seriously, being a stay-at-home mom is a very, VERY big priviledge that I never want to take for granted. I am also grateful for all the churches we have been involved in, never...once...ever made me feel like because they hired my husband...they hired me too. Serving along side him has always been a tremendous joy. It has also been incredibly freeing that I can do it because I love to and not because I felt guilty or expected to.

After 6 years of loving our ministry in OKC, our wonderful pastor regretfully resigned. It was devastating. He was the best "boss" my husband ever had and was also a very close friend. He allowed my hubster to blossom in the ministry and will always have a place in our hearts. We committed to stay put and endure the trials and recovery with our church family. We had NO intention to ever leave the Midwest. And then the phone rang....