My cat barfed.
On the bed.
And due to my motherly instincts, I tried to catch it. The details from there are not why I’m up writing in my blog AND now I’m completely grossed out again thinking about it and so are you!
What I am getting at is…
Ever have those pivotal moments when something meaningless happens and it is just the trigger you needed for all that has been bottled up to begin to leak out even faster?
Cat barf. It has absolutely nothing to do with this post but, yep, that’s what is has taken for me to be honest. Not just on my blog but maybe with myself.
I have always felt freedom to share my heart on this spot in space. The good parts of my life and the bad. I don’t hold much back as some of you have seen. It’s like I lay it all out there and although I sometimes fear the worst, it is such a release for what’s going on in my head and in my heart. But for some reason lately I can’t quite put into words what I’m feeling or thinking.
It seems like since my dad died things have changed.
I don’t like the change.
I’ve struggled enormously with things in my life. Things about myself. Things that are so trivial in the whole picture of who I am. I’ve struggled with fear. I’ve struggled with anger. I’ve struggled with loneliness. And most frustrating, I’ve really struggled with the real me. That person who has had the middle-child mentality for years and feels like lately that all that “good and sweet and peacekeeping” part that makes up who I am is really a rip off. I’ve struggled with liking that part of my make-up.
To not know me in person that probably sounds like a boastful statement. The good and sweet and… For me it’s not a goal or something I strive towards necessarily. More of a personality and way I am made up, if that makes sense. Growing up I was called “Sweet little Linda” and to this day that makes me cringe.
It’s wishing I hadn’t lived so much of my life trying to please others. Realizing that when it comes down to it, why do I try so hard when other people don’t necessarily ask for it or care?
It’s so very hard to put into words, but it’s almost as if my dad dying took off that layer over me of feeling okay with who I am. I still have tremendous peace about him being gone. I in no way doubt my faith. I guess I’m just doubting who I am lately. Like a lost puppy at the moment. One who knows she is loved and looks at the life around her and says what in the world are you struggling with girl? Especially when my life is so good!
Maybe it’s more of just grappling with these life long tendencies I have had. Realizing that protective cover of my dad is gone and I’m left with accepting who I have become. Without having the tangible love of my parents has made me doubt myself. Doubt who I’ve become. Doubt how much it is worth being this way.
A lot of rambling goes on in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. I’m sure it doesn’t all make sense and I’ll probably realize that in the morning when life around me is a buzz.
I do know that for this moment, it feels good to be honest with myself. To just write it all down in my journal here for the whole world to see and probably not understand. Perhaps I shouldn't admit publicly but then that would go against something about myself I do love…being transparent.
So, until I can get back to my regular programmed happy posts…I’m taking a break for awhile. I’m sure this is all part of the grieving process and in a couple days and hopefully not weeks I'll get out of this funk.
Easter's coming for crying out loud....THAT is what the big picture is all about. So I'm gonna grab my boot straps and go for a walk (figuratively speaking)! Time to regroup and time to get back to loving who God made me to be.
13 comments:
I know what you mean because that is often how I am described and that peacemaking tendency can be hard to live with.
I think you are going through another phase in the grieving process, which just takes time. Hope the break helps. I'll pray for you and will see you when you come back.
I, too, am also described that way. It seems that in my family (with my siblings), I am the peacemaker. Hang in there! "Seek and ye shall find"! Hugs & prayers going out your way.
I am the peacekeeper in my family too. In fact, we are all going on a trip together this summer and all are looking to me to organize and make sure it goes smoothly....a lot of pressure.
praying for you, girl. I still have my parents but I think when that generation is gone and you are at the "top" so to speak, it brings with it some evaluation.
The big question is "who are you in Christ?" ...a beloved and treasured child!!!
Remember Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemaker for they will inherit the earth. (or something like that). This is part of the grieving process. Take the time you need and remember prayers are going up for you. I have a favorite verse "Be still and know that I am God."
when my parents passed away I was like a lost child. I had all this doubt about who I was. I wasn't Uncle and Aunts child anymore I felt like I was on my own. And I didn't like either. It's hard to explain but you will work thru it and be a better person because of it. Believe me. Take care and you'll be back soon.
thinking about you girl and sending big hugs your way.
love ya
I'm so glad you put it out there like this...good for you. Almost makes me happy that the cat barfed on your bed, cause hopefully this gave you a bit of release. There is bound to be some tough stuff to deal with and ripple affects in your life that you could not have anticipated. As for being the middle child/peacemaker person- been there, stressed out on that one WAY too much, WAY too many times...sometimes I try to fix things so bad that I take over God's job. It is so hard when there is drama and people aren't getting along like we want...
Just rest, rest, rest in your Father's hands. Be gentle with yourself. I can't imagine what you are dealing with, but send much love and prayers your way.
Thank you for writing this. I know it was very painful to share, but...please know that it helps those suffering the same way you are. My coworker's dad died in November, and I'm going to share this with her.
Hey you. Thanks for sharing your heart....not for sharing about the cat barf...eewwww....but I always love reading about your heart.....and the work God is doing to mold and shape it.
oh wow, here are the things we have in common...i also am a peacemaker in my family. and i have gone through times of loving and hating who i am, or rather how i am. i have not experienced the loss of a parent, but indeed it is sure to bring about alot of soul searching. many hugs and prayers and blessings your way Linda. i have been seriously considering going back to my old ways, and being really transparent again but in my blogging this time. i have realized that 'fear' is the only thing holding me back. please know that your transparency is admirable and i believe it is very much like Jesus himself. it's real. i'm super glad to have a 'really real' blog friend. super glad!
There is so much to deal with and sort through when someone dies, especially when it is a parent. I'm praying for you and hoping that you take all the time you need. May His unfailing love be your comfort.
Awwhh my dear Linda...I'm so sorry for your gigantic loss! It's huge!
I struggle with who I am from time to time but the thing that helps me overcome it is to ask myself what does God think of me. That's really the heart of it for me. When I know that I please him I am at peace!
Love you and hope you have a wonderful Easter celebrating!
Maybe it's OK to just FEEL this way right now. Just sit in it and surrender. Sometimes we have these shifts in us because of big life things and there's a period of feeling lost in the middle place. Between the child we've always been and the grown up we're always becoming. It's painful, sweet lady. I know it well and I pray peace to you today.
And I wish you a Happy Easter.
Ditto on what the lovely Heather wrote.
Hugs friend! Enjoy this blessed Easter weekend!
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